Here’s Why True Friendship Is So Important, Especially In Your Romantic Relationship

We, as a society, are a tad obsessed with romantic relationships, as they’re often treated as the culmination point of what to strive for. But what if romance is just one aspect of a satisfying relationship? What if the foundation that makes any relationship truly satisfying is something else entirely?

There’s no denying the pleasure of those effervescent, bubbly feelings, but it must be acknowledged that those feelings, like all feelings, are often temporary. Any truly fulfilling relationship must be based on more than those fleeting feelings, and that’s where true friendship comes in…

Know the Definitions

Romance is defined as “a feeling of mystery associated with love; a quality of excitement and remoteness from everyday life.” Pay special attention to that last part: “remoteness from everyday life.” People love romance because it gives them feelings of escape from their everyday lives. It’s a rush. A thrill.

Work For it

The thing is, it is possible to keep the sensations of mystery and excitement—even that fairytale remoteness from everyday life—but you have to work for it. Romance might feel easy in the beginning (when things are brand new, it’s basically automatic), but keeping up the romance is an entirely different ball game. And it requires some solid groundwork that motivates you to go for it when the “newness” is gone.

Getting Somewhere

And here’s the thing: that’s actually good news. Because as fun as rollercoasters are, they are no way to get everywhere all the time. In fact, you usually get off the ride where you got on it. If you’re planning to get anywhere in your relationships, you’ve got to choose a different mode of transportation.

It’s a Little Something Called…

So, what is it? What is this miracle concoction you need to create a sturdy, reliable basis for a satisfying relationship? What is the thing that can help solidify your foundation and give you more stamina and fortitude in the area of romance? It’s a little something called friendship.

You Need Friendship

It may come as a surprise to some, but not everyone even desires romance. The allure of excitement and mystery in the context of relationships is just not appealing to all people. On the other hand, everyone needs friends. There’s not a single human being on this planet who hasn’t desired true friendship with another person.

Mutual Trust and Support

And true friendship goes beyond mere acquaintances. In fact, deep and meaningful friendships are very rare and special. It requires a mutual sense of trust and support. The one is always looking out for the other, trusting that the other is looking out for them. It’s a strong link, a bond between hearts that denotes a closeness and cherished affection.

It’s Dependable

Friendship itself is a type of love, often referred to as “philia.” Philia is thought of as a “shared goodwill.” It is based on a certain dependability and companionship, each relying on the other. It is sturdier than “ludus” or playful, uncommitted love—though the two are not mutually exclusive. Playfulness and fun are an important part of friendship, even romance.

Ludus is too Casual

But while ludus is undemanding, it is also very casual. Think of things like teasing and flirting, for example. Like the phrase “no strings attached,” one can leave at any time. There’s no commitment. Ludus can be very long-lasting, too, despite its more flippant nature. But it is dangerous to mistake this for romantic love or friendship.

It Undergirds Every Relationship

The importance of friendship goes beyond your relationship with your significant other. It’s something that undergirds every relationship if your life, if you let it. Familial love, or love between family members, is a type of friendship. It is a fondness born of familiarity. It does not focus on the personal qualities of the other person; it’s unconditional.

It’s Where You Can Truly Thrive

Friedrich Nietzsche said, “It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages.” Romantic relationships supported by the maturity and richness of friendship, given enough time, will transform into this type of familial love. And it’s this depth of friendship, a commitment from both persons that goes always toward the other, that can withstand the test of time and truly thrive.

It’s a Daily Gift

Friendship can be woven into the fabric of our everyday lives. It can, and should be, something that you experience and appreciate daily. The gift of mutual trust and support is dear and valuable—don’t underestimate it! It’s because of its dependable nature that you can lean on it again and again to get you through the tough times… and even just the normal, necessary, and mundane ones.

It Makes Life Bearable

Friendship makes regular life bearable. You’re statistically going to have far more ordinary days than extraordinary ones, but that doesn’t mean those days are worthless. There’s a simple beauty and nobility to living well. It doesn’t require fireworks or fancy dinners. It requires your presence: you consistently showing up, being there, and taking in the moment.

It’s a Therapy of Sorts

Friendship challenges you to be your best self. Friends have a shared desire to understand one another better. They relate to one another authentically, without pretense, and seek to lead fuller, truer lives by maintaining open and honest communication with one another. Almost like a kind of therapy, friendship can insightfully show you your limits and defects in character while still choosing and loving you.

It Makes You a Better Person

A true and trustworthy friend is going to listen to you when you share you hopes and dreams, help you strategize to reach your goals, and build your confidence and self-esteem, all while giving you the appropriate reality checks. “Our chief want in life is someone who shall make us do what we can. This is the service of a friend. With him we are easily great.” –Ralph Waldo Emerson

It Builds Stress Resilience

Did you know that comforting another person reduces stress in your own body? When you open up to a friend or attentively listen and empathize with a friend in their vulnerable moments of sharing with you, both of you experience a release of oxytocin from the brain. This “social bonding” hormone strengthens your heart and builds stress resilience.

It’s Good for the Body and Mind

So not only is friendship good for the body, it’s good for the mind. In addition to reducing stress, a recent Harvard study concluded that having solid friendships in our life helps promote brain health. Friendship can help you rebound from health issues and disease more quickly and have a positive influence on your mental health. Friendship = a happier life.

It’s Stronger than Differences

While there is a sense of commonality and trust, dependability and familiarity, not all of your friends should look or act like you. In fact, one of the most beautiful and healthy parts of friendship is that it allows you to safely connect to those who are entirely different from you. Friends can disagree and still love.

It Goes Deeper than the Surface

This is an essential part of all meaningful relationships. How will you develop and mature if your significant other only tells you that you are “perfection embodied”? If you cannot gracefully navigate differences with another person, how can you grow? Each one of us is essentially different. You must go past the surface level and delve into the qualities that make each perspective and experience unique. Friendship makes this possible.

It Teaches

Friendship is the basic component of any sincere relationship. It’s what teaches us to go outside of our comfort zones while giving us a safe place to learn and grow. It’s where we learn to interact with others, find out what “makes them tick,” and teaches us to give grace and to forgive.

It Satisfies an Innate Desire to Belong

Everyone has a desire to belong and be accepted. But this innate longing isn’t met in casual relationships or romantic affairs. In fact, when lacking friendship and dependability, the former kind of relationships can actually harm and negate your sense of belonging and acceptance when that casual or self-interested person decides the fun or romance is too much work and they simply walk away.

It Connects Kindred Spirits

It’s through our friendships that our desire to belong is met. Your friends are “your people”—those kindred spirits that, though they are all different and varied from you, have that almost inexpressible something that connects you together. These are the people that “get” you. These are the people that care about, understand, and accept you.

It’s Something You Choose

Friendship is especially satisfying because it is something you choose. You choose your friends, who you will invest your time and emotion into, and they choose you. There’s a wonderfully pleasing aspect to knowing that someone not only puts up with you, quirks and all, but actually wants to be around you!

It’s Endearing

And believe it, we all have our quirks. Whether it’s an OCD-like compulsion to floss whenever you’re stressed, an untamed fear of caterpillars, messiness, the awkward way you laugh, or whatever it may be… there’s a friend out there that finds you endearing and perfectly you. And they love you for it. They choose you for it.

It Doesn’t Require a Show

When it comes to romance, there’s a certain effort involved. You make sure your appearance is attractive. You put on that special outfit. Maybe you even watch your diet and work out a little more often. There’s a certain self-consciousness that can creep in. But with your friends, there’s no need. They’ve seen all of you. You don’t have to show off, you just have to show up.

It Teaches Endurance

Friendships are for the long haul. Again, this is presupposing that a relationship is bent on the sincere and consistent desire for the mutual good of those involved. That being said, it’s also not easy.  It takes careful and conscious work because there are days you’re not going to be on top of your game, and there will be days when your friends aren’t either. But that’s exactly when you need each other.

It’s Not Based on Performance

Friendship lets you relax. There’s a lot in this world that is based around your performance. Your achievements, your grades, your awards, your promotions, recognition… You get it. These things can often subconscious define you and shape your worth. But a friend is going to see past what you can (or can’t) do and celebrate who you are instead.

It’s Gratifying

Friendship connects us to something more than ourselves. It is outward focused, aiming toward the other. And yet, it teaches you so much about yourself. You can help change how people around you live their lives just by being there for them; you can help them bounce back from their lowest, celebrate their successes with them, and be part of how they learn to love themselves.

It’s Freeing

Imagine a world where you’re not alone—a world where at least one other person has your wellbeing in mind. Perhaps it doesn’t remove the need for self-awareness entirely, but it could certainly help remove the tendency toward self-centeredness. When others are watching out for you and helping to take care of you, you are freed up to do the same for others.

It’s a Beneficial Cycle

Good friends tend to beget good friends. Laughter gives way to more laughter. Happiness to happiness. Although life is obviously not all sunshine and roses, it’s also true that like attracts like. Positivity leads to being even more positive. Negativity can lead to the same. Be aware of where you’re putting your time and effort; trade the vicious cycles for beneficial ones. That helps you get through the rough patches.

Invest in Friendship

Dependability isn’t automatic. It requires time and effort. Building a basis of mutual trust and support is always going to be a good investment of your time and effort. It’s the loving thing to do in your relationships, and it’s also wise. It’s long-term way of thinking.

It’s Worth It

Even if the other person isn’t invested and it somehow falls apart, trust that your investment will still have a payoff. You have learned more about the world and yourself but kept your heart soft and conscience clear. You have grown. And your care for the other person will have certainly affected their life in a positive way.

Friendship is The Foundation

Friendship is enduring, selfless, dependable, and consistent. It’s the fundamental cornerstone of any genuine relationship. It teaches us, helps us to grow, allows us to reach beyond ourselves, shows us we belong, builds endurance, shares strength and resilience, and so much more.